Self-Pity

I fell into the trap of self-pity a few days ago. Not sure why. But the circumstances I find myself in overwhelmed me for the first time. I think it is the weakness on my left side that did me in. I recounted elsewhere on this blog my fall shoveling snow. I had several falls like that in the past few days. I started to think about my desire not to be dependent on anyone and to be able to take care of myself. And that I would seek out a release only when I couldn’t make it up and down the stairs to my bedroom. But the thought of death and the release it would give me from not eating and speaking and it started to sound attractive to me. So, I started to make my plans. I told a couple of people close to me, that was it. I won't detail my plan but suffice to say it will work. I wasn't planning on doing it right away. I want to see how the Packers do but I did anticipate departing in January sometime. But then my ex-wife said something that got me thinking more about my plans. And I realized that I had failed myself. I had not looked at any workarounds for the current situation I found myself in. And the work arounds for losing balance is simple. Always hold the handrail. Don’t shovel snow. Be careful when making moves towards the floor and always have a hand on some object in case you start to lose your balance. Simple stuff. And now I am on day three of not falling once. And I still am finding some joy in life. So, I am back to feeling positive about my life and while I may still choose to exit in January I am going to try and make it much longer than that. Ganbatte! Translated. I will do my best. Oh, and a nurse that stopped today I ended getting in a lengthy conversation with her that ended in tears that resulted in a very good option for me. To get a life alert button. If I fall and can't get up that makes sense to me. As a result, I have asked my doctor for one.