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  • Writer's pictureRuss Newton

Self-Pity

Updated: Mar 12, 2022


I fell into the trap of self-pity a few days ago. Not sure why. But the circumstances I find myself in overwhelmed me for the first time. I think it is the weakness on my left side that did me in. I recounted elsewhere on this blog my fall shoveling snow. I had several falls like that in the past few days. I started to think about my desire not to be dependent on anyone and to be able to take care of myself. And that I would seek out a release only when I couldn’t make it up and down the stairs to my bedroom. But the thought of death and the release it would give me from not eating and speaking and it started to sound attractive to me. So, I started to make my plans. I told a couple of people close to me, that was it. I won't detail my plan but suffice to say it will work. I wasn't planning on doing it right away. I want to see how the Packers do but I did anticipate departing in January sometime. But then my ex-wife said something that got me thinking more about my plans. And I realized that I had failed myself. I had not looked at any workarounds for the current situation I found myself in. And the work arounds for losing balance is simple. Always hold the handrail. Don’t shovel snow. Be careful when making moves towards the floor and always have a hand on some object in case you start to lose your balance. Simple stuff. And now I am on day three of not falling once. And I still am finding some joy in life. So, I am back to feeling positive about my life and while I may still choose to exit in January I am going to try and make it much longer than that. Ganbatte! Translated. I will do my best. Oh, and a nurse that stopped today I ended getting in a lengthy conversation with her that ended in tears that resulted in a very good option for me. To get a life alert button. If I fall and can't get up that makes sense to me. As a result, I have asked my doctor for one.


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15 comentarios


jotterson58
30 dic 2021

Russ, your honest, heart felt description of your battle helps all of us look at ourselves and contemplate how we would react to all you have faced and are facing..

Think about all the people you have helped over your career, it is time to let us help you. Say the word and I will help you navigate the healthcare system and services that are available for you. I am fairly pissed off at Dr Aaron Rodgers but I want to see a deep playoff run. Let me know if you are up to visitors, ok?

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Russ Newton
Russ Newton
30 dic 2021
Contestando a

Deal!

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Mark Dtayo
Mark Dtayo
30 dic 2021

I didn't think it possible but now I am freakin' Packer fan. Sobering stuff Russ. I was hoping the end to the drooling would lift your spirits more than perhaps it has. I was hoping that it would free your desire to be more social. Having others about has had a curative impact on me when I have been down(granted never had ALS .. but I have had some medical scares). If there is anything I can do let me know. I realize I am little nauseating with my perpetual optimistic outlook but that doesn't mean that I am not aware of your struggles. I do feel for you as so many others have expressed. I hope to g…

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Mark Dtayo
Mark Dtayo
31 dic 2021
Contestando a

Thank god!!! You saved us both!! I went into an unending gagging reflex as soon as I wrote that down that left a nasty acidic after taste(probably like Packer fans wake up to after drinking all that swill the day before on game day!). Blaaahhh !! Let me just set things right in my mind … “the Packers really freakin suck”!!! Phew!!! .. Good I feel better now and I am sure that was orienting for u as well!! 😁😁

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heimer
30 dic 2021

Maybe there is a purpose but it’s pretty hard to understand.

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Russ Newton
Russ Newton
30 dic 2021
Contestando a

Helen,

For sure it is! I used to love to talk and eat and it is beyond ironic I can't do either now. But it is making me a better listener for sure. But beyond that I have no idea why I was chosen to be afflicted with this disease. Unless it was to write this blog and encourage others to retire early? Who knows. But this is the cup I must drink, bitter though it is, I will drink it down. Russ

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zjohnsn2
30 dic 2021

Thanks for sharing, you are so strong. Lauren and I pray for you every night. Go pack go!

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Russ Newton
Russ Newton
30 dic 2021
Contestando a

I think this may be their year Zach!

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Russ Newton
Russ Newton
30 dic 2021

Helen,


I am looking forward to seeing her again for the first time since she passed way too early in 2000. That is one thing that gives me great comfort. And I don't know how to live my life any other way but wide open and honest. So that may be why I was afflicted with the Mother Fer of a disease.

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